No, this is not a personality type that other people find addicting to be around.
It means that I get addicted easily. I’d like to say that I used to have this condition, but it might still be present–manifested in a different, less apparent, addiction.
When I was in my teens, I was an avid gamer. Late at night, when everyone was asleep, I would play video games until late into the night, making sure to cover up my gaming console with my blanket whenever someone got up to use the washroom… then taking it back out again to play some more until I was too sleepy to continue.
When I graduated from highschool and entered university, I moved out. There was a lot of freedom. I entered a stage where I got really into K-Pop and K-dramas. Whenever I started a series, I would binge watch it until I was done, because I didn’t have the self-discipline to refuse the charms of a cliffhanger episode ending. I remember I started a series during finals’ week. I got addicted to it and spent at least 4x the amount of time I spent studying, to watch the show. I would watch late into the night, justifying myself with:
- “I just have to find out what happens, or else it’ll bother me when I’m studying… and that wouldn’t be good.”
- “I’ll just wake up early tomorrow and start studying.”
- “It’s okay, I’m good at cram-studying. Anyways, I generally get high marks whenever I do cram.”
- “The faster I finish this series, the more time I can have completely dedicated to studying.”
Today, my addictive personality is not that obvious. Sometimes, I’m not even sure if it still exists inside me. I gave up gaming. I gave up watching addictive TV shows. I gave up a lot of bad addictions I had.
Sometimes, I still feel it, though.
It’s in the mornings when I can’t get up, and justify sleeping just a little more, even though I planned to do a lot of productive work; even though I filled out my planner with things to do and told it that I would “Wake up at 8am.” At least 6 days a week, I can’t bring myself to wake up at the time that I want.
It’s in the moments when I am all alone, with no one to talk to, and with nothing to do. My mind starts talking to me–saying a lot of unhealthy things; conjuring a lot of doubt, distrust; reminding me of painful experiences and trying to tell me that I was wrong for forgiving, that I should hold onto that anger and pain (even though I know that it’s useless to do so). But I listen more than I should, because even though I find it painful, I find it comforting too–bittersweet.
It’s in the moments when I feel scared of my future financial situation. Always fixated on how I can make more money; whether I’m on the right career path. It makes me want to work harder, learn more, achieve more. By keeping busy, I know that I can stave away unwanted thoughts. Sometimes, it’s unhealthy how much I work. But most of the time, I find it good.
I wonder if it will ever go away. But a small voice in the back of my mind tells me that it can be useful, if I can develop the self-discipline to control it.
Daily Post’s Daily Prompt: Happy Endings